*Before you start reading this blog, I would like to ask that all men please refrain from reading this specific blog (feel free to read other posts). I ask you not to read this first out of respect for me, and second, to protect you. I know that not all men will stop at this request, but the godly men in my life will. Thank you.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12
Have you ever done something that you really regretted? Psalm 51 is David's prayer after he had done something that he regretted. Something so evil and sinful, that many Christians like to say, "see, David was a man after God's own heart, and he did that."
For about 4 years, my life was full of things that I regretted. From ages 15-18, I was travelling down a road of destruction. Instead of repenting of my sin, and seeking God to change my heart, I continued to sin. My sin grew uglier and uglier, until I could no longer recognize myself. The Bible says that that God's Law is written on our hearts (Rom 2:14-15). His law continually convicted me of my sin for many years, but I felt trapped and helpless.
What was my sin? My sin was plentiful. I was selfish, only caring about things and people that could serve me. I didn't want to change because I didn't know how to live without the sinful things in my life. I knew that if I did change, I would have to be rid of these things. The biggest thing that kept me enslaved to my lifestyle was sexual sin. I knew that I was "damaged goods". I rationalized, no good or pure man would want me. I had to continue in my sexual sin if I wanted to have any man in my life. At this point, not having a man wasn't an option. I didn't even know how to live without one.
Why did I change? I had started to date a boy that I really liked. We didn't really have anything in common, and I thought that the only way to keep him in my life would be to continue in my sin. I wasn't willing to change my life quite yet, because I really wanted to keep him around. Finally, around Christmas 2008, this boy ended our relationship. I was completely lost. I felt depressed, angry, alone, and empty. I began crying out to God, and seeking him in his Word. Slowly, I began seeing the error of my ways. I started spending time with people that loved Jesus and wanted to serve him. My priorities changed. Slowly, Jesus changed me.
How did my sin effect my life? Jesus Christ paid the penalty for my sin on the cross. I am free from judgement for my sin, because Jesus took the wrath of God on the cross for my lying, cheating, swearing, fornication, and many other sins. This is a beautiful truth that I rejoice in every single day. Not only that, but Jesus blessed me in this life. My relationship with my friends and family has been restored. God blessed me shortly after I began living a different lifestyle with a man that was committed to living a pure life. We were married two-years later, and I continue to be blessed by the Lord!
Has your sexual sin impacted your marriage? In short, Yes. This was my main reason for writing this blog. I don't want to lie, and say that my sexual sin has been forgotten. The months leading up to the wedding night I grieved my past, and was angry with myself. I'm no longer angry, and I know that my husband and my God have forgiven me. This doesn't mean that my past does not haunt me. There are times when I will see a vision from the past, and I have no idea where this vision comes from. I've learned that praying during those moments is the best thing to do. But, I know that there are consequences to my sin.
I don't want my sin to go to waste. I pray that God uses my mistakes to prevent other women from sacrificing their purity for the sake of a fleeting moment. I spent 4-years of my life giving myself away to men who would never become my husband. I will spend the rest of my life with my husband, potentially 50-70 years. I didn't know at the time that God had a beautiful man, a caring man, a loving man, just waiting for me around the corner. I couldn't see his face, or feel his touch, or know his kiss. But these are all so beautiful to me know. How much more beautiful would they have been if they were not marred by the memories of other men so unimportant to me now?
Women, please do subject yourself to the grief that you will experience for a moment that will soon be regretted. If you are with a man now that you love and care for, don't sleep with him. You could potentially ruin the possibility of marriage with this man if you do.
If you have already had sex, it's not too late to stop. I did it at 19-years-old. It was difficult, and trying for me. But, God blessed me by giving me a sweeter wedding night. I don't believe that you can truly grow in Christ if you are having pre-marital sex. Your prayers will be filled with guilt and shame (just like mine were), that you don't even have the opportunity to enjoy the joys of a relationship with Christ.
I have so much to say on this topic. It was my life for many years. I feel so passionate about this, but I don't want to ramble on. Please get in touch with me somehow if you need to be prayed for, or mentored. You can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like to speak privately.
I can relate to almost any situation that you may be in. I have been in them all. Please reach out to someone, if not me, somebody else that you trust.
Women, you are loved.